Chinese Patriarchy Part A

The Singaporean values system has undergone transformation since the 1960s, particularly in our attitudes toward women. Singaporean women are highly educated, financially independent, and enjoy more opportunities than other women around the world. As a result, many traditional concepts about the submissiveness and limitations of women have been eradicated.

Of course, Asian patriarchy still exists because Singaporeans are by-and-large moral conservatives due to a mix of tradition, heritage and religion. Few clamor for a complete overthrow of the gender system (à la Western feminism), and certain concepts about traditional gender roles persist, such as the idea that the husband is the main breadwinner, and women still oversee household chores and childcare. Patriarchy is also present in our language and rituals. Yet, since Singaporean women are educated and employed, patriarchy in Singapore is severely tempered (see THIS ARTICLE* from The Straits Times for instance).

Furthermore, patriarchy in my personal life is further curtailed by Church teachings. As I explained in a previous blog post, my faith educates men to treat women appropriately, and teaches women to love themselves. Yes, my patriarchal church makes me value my womanhood.

However, there are occasions when Singaporean Chinese patriarchy rears its ugly head in my life. Last year I attended an institute (Bible study) course about marriage and family (yes, it's the Eternal Marriage course but the other class didn't sound as interesting), and one of the topics was family traditions. The discussion was going fine until I asked a question: What happens when two good traditions run up against each other in a marriage? For example, during Chinese New Year families gather together and visit one another. What should a couple do if the family gatherings on both sides of the family occur at the same time?

The teacher, a more senior Chinese man, said, "Traditionally, the daughter 'marries out' of the family. So the woman should follow her husband and go to his family gathering." 

I should explain that in Chinese culture, married women "leave" their families and become part of their husband's families, which explains why sons are more valued in Chinese culture. Even the Chinese language reflects this distinction: the terms used to describe the act of marriage for women and men are different. The woman "嫁" (jia)/ "marries out" of her family, while the husband "娶" (qu)/ "brings in" a wife to his family. The character "娶" is a combination of the characters "取" and  "女" which means "take" and "female" respectively. As you can see, the Chinese language is innately patriarchal.

However, since I grew up in Singapore and am a member of the Church, the response of the teacher did not sit right with me. So I pushed back and said, "Well, but we don't live in those times when the women are really 'married out' and accept women's submission, especially in Singapore."

To which the teacher repeated that traditionally, since women marry out of the home, the wife should prioritize her husband's family above her own. (Ironic usage of the word "traditional" by the way.)

I vehemently disagree with his response, though I didn't say anything more because I didn't want to be that feminist. But I am stating right here that he was WRONG. My parents have 3 daughters and no sons. If my sisters and I really "marry out" as dictated by tradition, who will take care of my parents? There is no space in society, and especially in my church, for such Chinese "traditional" patriarchal thinking. Traditions are created and dictated by Man, and can be changed. We need to re-conceptualize the way we think about Chinese marriages. There must be a better way for husbands and wives to be filial and honor both sides of parents without favoring one side over the other.

* Theresa Tan, "Mum's at Work, Dad's Minding the Kids," Straits Times (June 21, 2015).